Feb. 6, 2023

Love Is Not Dead... Just Her Husband

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Rebecca Johnson is the host of the podcast; Love is not dead…Just my husband. She is a widow that has survived multiple losses and living with rare cancer dedicated to encouraging widows moving forward in their grief. After realizing she was falling down a rabbit hole of grief, she was determined to find her way back to the living. In her journey, she has rediscovered who she is and found her passion and purpose in inspiring widows to widow their way.

Rebecca is an avid traveler looking forward to extending her journeys outside of the US to live as a digital nomad immersing herself in other cultures. This sad, lonely, cancerous widow is not sitting around waiting for her life to begin any longer. She will be traveling the world excited to find a new love for life in the most unexpected people and places.


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hello and welcome to another episode of the honestly unfiltered podcast today
Ellie and I have with us Rebecca Johnson her podcast is love is not dead just my
husband Rebecca Ellie how are you today great great how about you
good how are you Rebecca I am doing great thank you how about you you know
pulling it together for a Saturday here any day that I'm not working I'm doing
really really good even if I'm not doing good procrastinating today so
likewise they say any day above ground is a good one but I'm not sure that's good that's uh that's appropriate to say
in this situation actually it is really when you think about it you know that's
there's no better way to to sum it up right we're alive to try to do it again
another day yes I had I had a boss once that say would say on his way out the door I'm gonna go home now and tomorrow
I'll come back and do it better yeah yeah
so anyway why don't you tell I I know your
backstory and Ellie knows a little bit but why don't you tell our listeners what brought you to
the podcast and what has what transpired in the last four or five years
to get you to that point and your journey okay um well I'm Rebecca and I'm a widow and
I used to not think there was anything different or special about me being a
widow than anyone else um but I did have a string of bad things
that just kept happening over and over and over again six months before my husband passed away
my godson was murdered and then six weeks after my husband
passed away I was diagnosed with a rare cancer so I went through a surgery to
have my eye removed um went through radiation treatment as well
then I had a house fire and then it just seemed like a lot of just bad things
happening over and over and over again and I just keep going like I don't know why I just
keep going and everyone is like oh you're so strong and this is so great
you're doing so good and and then I'm like but I don't see it I don't see it
um and then uh friend a couple of friends uh said that I should start a
podcast really to tell my dating stories because they are very funny
so I really thought this podcast was just gonna be me telling a bunch of
funny stories about dating as a widow and you know how that's not going for me
and but then it just turned into something else like I I've found a whole
other passion for it and I'm looking at a totally different side of being a
widow and how it's actually a catalyst for change in your life
um and this is that's how I got where I'm at now it's
it's amazing how it you know one thing happens that brings you to another place
and you know you you said that you feel like you're not that strong but I got
the opposite impression from you when I first spoke with you I I I knew about
your podcast because I had seen um you know posts in the group and
so I knew and I followed you and I so I knew you know the premise but I didn't
put the connection together until about maybe 20 minutes after we talked and
I was like to myself thinking and then when when you mentioned that you had cancer and
and you know your godson and I was like to myself thinking my God this woman is so strong
and so confident I would never know that she had such horrible things happen to her
yeah it's it's just strange what what we don't see in ourselves that
other people see um I've always thought of my story as just sad and tragic and I hated to share
it with people because the first response you get after you share it is
oh that's so horrible that that happened so
you don't want to tell the story over and over because you feel like you're reliving it in a way but
um I don't know just it just wants your pity yeah yeah and so and I think that's another reason
why I try to hide it a lot because I don't want people to feel bad for me so
I try to be optimistic and positive and say things like you know that
my husband died but um other people's husbands died and they have it actually
a worse scenario than I did or I have cancer but you know they have cancer but
they're they're having it worse than I am so I look at things that way and that
helps me keep moving forward a little bit like it could be worse than what it actually is even though it appears to be
really bad it really could be worse yeah now did you have that perspective prior
like throughout your life have you been that has that been your kind of personality to
look for the positive and situations like are you more easily like able to do
that some people are not able to do that you know yeah that's a good question I I
don't think that I was like I I don't think that I was that positive or optimistic before all of
this I mean honestly now that I think back um I used to have a co-worker we used to
make so much fun of her because she was so positive all the time I mean all the
time and it was just like cringing that she was so uh positive we would leave
little stickies on her computer and there's Amy she's so p-o-s
but yeah so no I I don't think I was that way before I was probably a little
rougher around the edges wow so that's that's intriguing that you
you took these tragedies in your life and it it lended you to be that kind of
you know positive person um yeah it's a gift I mean it's a gift from
tragedy you know because you have you have a couple ways to look I know Jenny and I our
friendship started you know almost like a trauma Bond um I don't like to call it a trauma Bond
because that's more toxic but um you know
you you have an opportunity to let it consume you in a negative way or a
positive way so I can totally relate to that aspect of just trying every day to
find the light you know in the dark
how long after your husband passed away did you start date did it take you to start dating
um it was like a little less than a year after he
had passed away um I was just really lonely like I just
wanted physical connection right I mean not honestly not even really companionship
yeah like it they call it a widow face [Laughter]
but they say grief is the biggest aphrodisiac
it can be it can be common in widows yeah yeah I mean I guess so but I mean I
was was looking for a friend [Laughter]
a friend and it's funny because you know they say in dating when you're not
looking for something you know these men will come along or whatever
um so I met a guy and and I thought oh man this is perfect like he lives out of
town he works out of town and he's not gonna want to see me and I can just we can just you know do our thing or
whatever like he wanted a full-blown relationship I'm like no that's not what I want I'm
not ready blah blah blah so that didn't necessarily work out the way that I
thought that it was gonna work out and um and then uh
right at a year I met a guy I mean again not looking I and so I know that this
does happen I met a guy and it was it was wonderful like I if I wasn't
grieving I would have probably thought you know is this love like
this is so wonderful but it was just he didn't he wasn't from here and it was
just a summer and we knew it was just the summer and it was like a Summer
Romance that I'll never forget and he moved back home and
and then I tried to date afterwards but it's it's been hit or
miss and I do it when I'm bored and for all the
wrong reasons why I'm still single
Dee are you open now to being in a relationship are you still just looking for like something casual are you ready
I I am honestly since we're honestly unfiltered
I am I am in this weird friends with benefits thing
but um I am open to the possibility of a
relationship it's just that I I have to figure out what I want and I'm like this
close to figuring out exactly what I want and I think once I have that down
and I commit myself to it and set boundaries
it might happen but hey I'm I'm not good with boundaries
Zone yeah yeah that's true baby steps how do
men do you talk to people that you're dating about being a widow do you share
that part of yourself or you try to kind of keep that stuff behind the veil
I like it funny um in the beginning I would not
tell people that I was a widow right away because um I feel like you're trying to get to
know someone and um but then it gets to a point they're
like well how long have you been single and I'm like oh for a year or so you know like at the time a year or so
well what happened in your last relationship because it's inevitable people want to talk about their past
relationships yeah um but people also tend to want to say bad things about
their past relationships like they have to validate why they're dating and why
it didn't work out with the previous person um well my husband died so yeah that's what
happened to my last relationship I happily ever after Came Crashing Down so
now what so right in when you do tell I do feel in my experience when you tell
someone that you're a widow um it's it's a tad bit different than a
breakup or a divorce um oh yeah but and then and then it gets a little
weird like sometimes it gets weird so but now I'm open about it like if
someone says something I just say I'm a widow and and then I don't care either they like it or they don't like it but
in the beginning I wouldn't tell people now how long were you and your husband married
um actually we were married twice oh yeah we actually divorced I love those
stories I love it I I envisioned myself doing this eventually so every time I
hear it I'm like see I can see how that could happen yeah you know thank you sir they seem better
the second go around Second Chances all the things yeah we divorced and then we got back together and well then he died
so how long have you been back together four years okay how long were you
married previous time previously
I think nine years nine years but we were together like a total
of 8 18 almost 19 years okay how many years
were there in between being you know the divorce and getting
back together four four okay so every what now was it
a bitter divorce the first time I can't imagine if you got back together if it was an ugly mess or was it just you were
in different places things weren't working out you know and you've said some things to me that I'm I'm I don't
want to you know divulge and you know oh no you're fine
um so in our first marriage um he was older than me and he 10 years older he
didn't have children and he he basically lived
um a bachelor life in lifestyle and I felt that
for he I felt that for him the marriage was
I have the wife I have the kid I have the house the picket fence the dog the
job the car like that image of what a
marriage should be like but he also still wanted that previous lifestyle
that he had and um it just
kind of it just kind of fell apart there at the end and I didn't feel like we
necessarily wanted the same things and there were other things happening as
well um that I probably won't ever share publicly because I mean those were
his personal struggles and things that he had going on and I don't think it would be fair
um to him because he wouldn't be able to defend himself not that it would be something that you know people didn't
know but you know I understand kind of out of respect but I always say that our
marriage didn't end because we didn't love each other but you need more than that and it just I
didn't feel that we we had what it took to like
Go the Distance make that happy marriage and so yeah so we just we separated now
in the second try you know the second time around did you feel like you guys had found your footing
um I did actually it once we got back together I felt like we hashed a lot of
things out and I feel that a lot was miscommunication in the first
marriage so when people say that communication is key it is key but I think it's also
listening too because when someone tells you a story or tells you something everyone perceives it differently so
like I could tell our story of our marriage and he could tell it but
everyone's going to hear something different right everyone's gonna pick up on keywords or key things and come up
with their own conclusions um but I felt like we did better the second
time like we actually talked more and it was a deeper relationship so it was
better the second it wasn't perfect nothing is yeah it wasn't perfect and
we'll find out on my next episode of Love Is Not Dead just my husband how not
perfect it was but um it was so much better yeah
now go ahead go ahead no no you no no no no no go ahead uh I was just gonna ask
if you're comfortable sharing how he passed or you know just you don't have to get into the nitty-gritty but was
this something that was expected had he been ill unexpected
it was it was very unexpected uh he was very healthy for his age
um that right before he started right before he passed away he was he was like all of a sudden he was
concerned about his health and he I think he was he was a tad bit more of it
he would say stuff about dying he would actually talk about dying and I don't
know if you guys have ever heard people say that people know when they're dying
I mean they don't like subconsciously they know that they're dying like they
change things in their lifestyle or their habits and they start talking about death and I would have
never put that together at the time I mean now I look back and I think
did he feel that that he that it was coming um but he was going to the doctor all of
his tests come back great and the doctors were like you're
healthy like how are you so healthy what are you doing like all your numbers are
within normal limits except for his testosterone that he was 50 51.
and um he said he told the doctor he said just smoke weed every day
the doctor said well if if that's what
you're doing keep it up I'm not gonna but then he started eating healthier he cut back on
the Black and Milds and it's like the healthier he tried to become it's
I don't know maybe it's the worst that he he got I don't know shocked his body yeah but
he passed away in his sleep um and yeah
and you said you told him to believe you told me he had sleep apnea is that correct or he he was diagnosed I think
he had always had sleep apnea I mean he snored really bad and he didn't sleep
good he took little naps all the time but he was just diagnosed with it and
um he was supposed to pick up a sleep apnea machine actually the day he died they called and they're like hey this is
such and such we're calling for Tom he needs to pick up his sleep apnea machine I said well he just died and they're
like really I'm like yeah and they're like when I'm just this morning
was it related to that no oh I don't think that anyone would
ever diagnose a death for sleep apnea um but
the what's the guy's name that comes in and does the the corner yeah the coroner he
said that um that it just looked like he passed away in his sleep he said he looked very
peaceful he said all indications just show that um he probably stopped breathing and
just had well it was a heart attack but the heart attack would come from him not
breathing but would that be the sleep apnea per se maybe but you know over
time it does put a strain on your body and yeah you know I think I told I
shared with you that I for 10 years worked in a sleep lab and and yeah and you see it because you
would sleep apnea when you when you're not breathing like that your oxygen dips and your heart rate you know you know
your heart is not getting the oxygen and just years and years and years of it it takes a toll and sometimes so there's
two types of sleep apnea the one is obstructive where you have like excess you know skin is your neck is thicker so
the Airways you know when you sleep your Airway relaxes so all of everything
inside will block basically and block the air that you know and the CPAP
machine hold the air blowing down it keeps that airway open but then there's
also what's called Central apnea and that comes from the brain and that will
the whole body just shuts down the whole but the brain they're not functioning together and uh
the CPAP machine will help that because it's keeping the airway open but
ultimately that is more deadly than the obstructive apnea because you can't fix that yeah like your brain is not telling
your body to breathe to breathe you know right so that is the one that's more
scary yeah yeah well that's interesting yes you
know it's it's a shame that doctors do not well not doctors but the
medical community doesn't put such they don't put a lot of weight into
sleep studies and sleep apnea and you know the 10 years I was in it I did
watch insurance companies fight we fought with insurance companies of paying for the sleep study or they
wanted to do a split night instead of one and really a split night's not accurate now the way I see it going is
they're actually doing at home tests yeah and they're yeah I feel that they're accurate at all I mean they give
an indication but it's you can't diagnose and diagnose somebody with a
CPAP machine and set it and get the right settings all from a home sleep test just being in the industry and
knowing and seeing it it's impossible so you know I know this is off subject but
and I'm on an engine but I'm just we're going down another Rabbit Hole so this is a PSA this is a PSA people yeah
people learn things that they never do oh yeah I know you need to get checked out it's yeah it's something I'm
concerned about with my husband and with myself if I'm being honest I know I do I do and I I know that both
of us should probably at least do the at-home thing even though that's not great but something yeah and you're
right it's it's not it's kind of like mentioned here and there when we go to the doctor but not really a big deal and
I'm thinking you know the the how they've correlated this these issues sleep issues period even if it's not
apnea um but just not sleeping well enough and you know all those things are are
directly related to heart disease and cardiovascular disease so and strokes
and all that stuff so I just don't think they I mean I think we're starting to hear more talk about it which is good
but it's it's not going far enough and then this Hustler don't know Society everybody's being
just yeah go go go hustle hustle hustle and it's like I keep hearing more and
more about how I only get four hours of sleep yeah like I'm like are we really
promoting this because yeah I I definitely need eight I need eight oh I
need I need eggs it's um
it's you know and it could be as simple as if you have an Apple Watch or a Samsung watch if you're one of those
Android people that you that you put a watch on you and monitor
they have like IMI Apple watch the new ones even there's a sleep you
could put it into a sleep mode and where and it will it will monitor your oxygen all night long and if your oxygen dips
real low in the night you know you have a you have an issue so yeah that's anybody out there that
has a husband that snores or they snort I suggest you just give yourself a
little test there you go can't hurt nope so
how long has so you said it's been about five years now since you passed almost
May and 25. would you say may will be fine May Oh I
thought you said today I was like oh okay sorry I didn't play with that
um and so you're still dating now you mentioned a child was that your child
together with him or prior or with someone else
I have a different baby daddy okay so but my son was
um six when we met so Tom really did raise him now is his father involved
still in your life at all with him with your son uh no well I mean
I'm not involved um I I do hear from him every once in a while but um uh no we have a difficult
path believe me I can understand but uh no I do hear from him every once
in a while and um but uh
my son and his dad's relationship is there I I would like to think they're
working on it but I mean you know how men are and
[Music] um they're stubborn and they don't necessarily always like to share their
actual feelings and things like that so um I try to stay out of this day I know
because I get very defensive over my son of course very offensive so yeah so I
try to not get involved so he so your son was close to your
husband that did pass oh yes they were they were very close and how old was he when that happened your son
so he's 27 now so 20 22. yeah
how how is he doing and how did he handle that oh he does not like to talk about it
at all I asked him I said hey do you want to be on my podcast he goes yeah
he said but don't ask me anything about Tom and I'm like well and he said no the
conversation will end oh wow so he won't even talk to you about it like you and
him together or we do um sometimes
um but I think the way that I handled my husband's
death um I think it was I don't know I feel like I I
it was a little unconventional like because I'm the type of person um
uh I'm a like a problem solver but also a
people pleaser and when my husband died it was kind of like the you know the
funeral Arrangement well not the funeral arrangements because I didn't do any of that my sister-in-law did the whole
thing but afterwards all the other stuff um it just felt like like a task like it
was a job it was like something that had to do and I kind of felt like the quicker I did it the quicker it would be
over and that would be the end of my grieving process if that
made sense like okay he died he's not coming back
um I can sit here and cry about it all day but it doesn't really help anything it
doesn't mean that I didn't cry but I think the outside perception of people
that I was they're like oh you're just handling it so well and I'm like
but the whole time I'm just dying inside and I can't express that and with my son
I I didn't ex like I didn't express it very well I I tried my best to not let
him see me cry and I feel like in a way he felt like
he couldn't Express himself and he's had quite a few deaths
on his dad's side after that and it
concerns me that he does that I didn't show him a very good example of
processing death um now be easy on yourself my friend
because one thing that I've learned and yes I've had trauma and and grief not to
that level you know not that any any death is not painful but you know I
often try to put myself in the shoes of my best friend who that's how Jenny and I you know
started our friendship was through her and then ultimately it blossomed into
what it is now unfortunately because of her husband's tragic death
um and the one thing I know and I'm so fiercely protective of her
um and and I'm sure she felt that way many times you know because of the way that she was choosing to do things
um they were also unconventional but I kept telling her the whole time it's whatever it's like whatever you
just do whatever you can do you make whatever choices you have to make to survive period you know there's always
going to be some something left in the wake I think our children are unfortunately collateral damage because
how much can you I mean that's where I want to give you a little Grace because I've watched her and I still watch her
like feel all that pressure and and burden and not knowing you know what to
do and what's right what's wrong and it's like there isn't any I mean it there's no right and wrong you know it's
it's so so hard I just can't as much as I try to put myself in that
place I I just can't allow my mind to go there so I can't imagine
the guilt and the burden and everything that follows yeah
I mean luckily your son was a man he was 22.
so yeah you know he I mean it's never good don't get me wrong but you know I
think it's it is different if you have a very very young child you know it's every stage oh that's different
I think that would have I think that would have been more difficult to have children during that process I
mean I I can't even imagine what that would be like it would be all difficult it's all
terrible now what I know a big part of your
podcast is you're widowing your own way and that you're breaking the
stereotypical molds and that everybody has an idea of what a widow should be and what should do what do you what are
some things that what some appeal battles or things that you encountered that you
felt that way that made you feel that way
me I
for me it was more or less um it has a lot to do with people
pleasing right so I I want other people to be happy all the
time like whatever they need I'll just put my feelings aside and
with being a widow you only are the center of attention for
so long right it's it's like a week or two and then everyone goes back to their lives yeah and you're just left there to
basically fend for yourself and trying to figure out what to do and and
I don't think other people realize as they're going on with their lives the
fact that you're now a widow is an afterthought so someone
um may start talking to you about their husband like complaining about their husband and their problems and you're
but do you say that like do you actually say that to someone no you don't you're
just like I'm so sorry to hear that so I feel like
people they can be insensitive but they don't know they're being insensitive I mean
they're just being their normal selves and they're going on with their lives but with
with me it was like do you do you say something do you remind them like hey I'm a widow
like did you forget like you're talking trash about your husband but my husband's dead
or um you're just anything I mean that's just one
example but for me I felt like you know people are like and
then they say things like oh you're gonna meet someone again someday and then you're like do I even want to
meet someone okay am I supposed to meet someone again one
day that's not comforting but what do I gotta do to meet someone one
day and then now all of a sudden I'm thinking okay well now I gotta meet someone and it so they people always say
there's no right or wrong way to widow or grieve or anything but
I think that widows still get the stereotype people expect okay they're
grieving but okay we all went back to work you have to go back to work we are
all now living Our Lives can you please move on with living your life and then you start to feel like a burden to
people like me it's it's a joke I always say that I'm the sad lonely cancerous
Widow and uh that is my card and I use it like I I
think I just used it on my best friend just the other day like would you stop
saying that and I'm like but I can't help it I'm a sad lonely cancerous Widow
can you please show me some attention like
but it's I people just expect you to pick it up
and move it on and it's it's hard to do that but you you I feel like people try
because we try to do it for other people and we're not really doing it for ourselves and and it takes for me it
took a while like I it's probably only been a year for me that I've finally been like I don't care
I don't care if people know that I'm dating I don't care if people know that
my marriage wasn't perfect like I would just keep my husband on this pedestal
like for the longest time like he was up here but he wasn't perfect I
mean I wasn't perfect either but why do I feel that I have to like
yeah like but I'm still alive like I went through it
too like I'm here like let's keep moving forward and I think
that's where a lot of people they don't feel widows don't feel comfortable
did you feel like you had a lot of support did you see
certain people that had been in your life show a different side of themselves
during that time after he passed you know I I always say that like
it's it's really easy to be you know we hear this all the time it's really easy to be a good person and a good friend
and a good whatever when things are great but when things are not and your
ass is falling off right who are you then what was your experience with the
people that were close to you guys um so for me
it was a little bit interesting for me because I we were living in Kentucky and
we were with his family um after I moved home the only family
that I even still talked to um that are his is his brother that
lives here um and I do still talk to his other brother and his wife but everyone else
I don't I don't have a relationship with I mean I do hear from my nieces and my
nephews every once in a while and that's great because I mean I do love them I was in part of their lives for so long
but it was difficult for me that after he died I
felt like his family just it's like we parted ways
and that was a difficult for me um except for a few exceptions his
brothers and then on my family
um trying to think back did
I mean I guess people cared I don't because the funeral and everything was
in Kentucky when I come home there wasn't a funeral here like I didn't do
it over again right yeah um so there wasn't anything here that my
family came together and what yeah I mean just like supporting you like after the fact not
necessarily the funeral but even further down the line like did you feel like they that you had this the people that
you expected to be supportive were they moving down the line I think people
tried in their own way but right after he died
I also got cancer so there was um there was that like I had to put that
grief on hold and then I had to deal with my own situation and that was
surgery radiation scans every three months so it was probably a year or so
after Tom actually died that I started to breathe and go through that but
you know what now that I'm thinking I don't remember my family like coming to
me to support me or be there um I know that sounds horrible and I
don't want anyone to hear this and think I was there maybe you were but I don't I
just don't remember if that makes sense like I don't I don't remember like there's things I don't remember about
the funeral there's things I don't remember about coming home um I don't know yeah I don't honestly
remember who was there the only one person that I can say that was there
for me through it all is my best friend
yeah yeah but other than that I don't remember like an outpour of support
like you're a widow let me support you let me be there for you I don't remember that I think a lot of
people don't know how to act or what to say or should they say something or should they just if they run into you
should they mention it should they not mention it is it taboo like I I I know
from you know people that I've I've known in the past and you know that they will say you know
they ran into so and so but they just looked at me a certain way and didn't know if they should bring it up or not
bring it up or things like that I think I think you get that and I think that
sometimes because people don't know what to say they don't reach out they don't call because they're they're avoiding
that conversation that's almost worse yeah it is if you don't know what to say say nothing at
all I mean that's that's almost worse oh yeah yeah I love it when people talk to
me about Tom yeah like talk to me about them like tell me something that I didn't know
because even now I feel like memories are fading
and um that's why I like hanging out with his brother so much because we'll we'll talk about things and he'll remind
me of things that happen in their in his child in their childhood and I'm like oh I
remember the story this is what Tom said um but I just I feel like I'm forgetting
so I like it when people talk to me about Tom I hear that all the time well
I really do and it's funny that like as a society that we don't have that like you said
it's better to say people think it's better to stay quiet but everyone that's been in these situations not everyone
but a lot of people that I've heard speak about it say the same exact thing I want to talk about it I want to talk
about it I want to talk about it so it's like where's the message being lost you know like that people just are so
afraid it's so taboo to talk about someone that's passed
yeah now now I don't it was it you that told me he's
haunting you and somebody else as well
yeah like I've I've had a couple experiences with uh
I think with Tom and my brother because my brother passed away just over a year ago so yeah I've had a couple
experiences um there was this one time I was meditating because you
know your meditation is supposed to be good for you right so I mean I would I do I meditate I'm not that great at it
but I do I was meditating and just one time I was just like really really relaxed and you know you're standing
there sitting there with your palms up and um so after Tom had passed away I had this
dream I guess where it was this joke he would sit on me like he was almost 300
pounds and he would sit on me and put like all of his weight like crushing
so after he had passed away I had this dream I was sleeping in the recliner and
uh where he died a little bit morbid but sleeping in the recliner where he died
and I had this dream that um he was sitting on the side of the
recliner chair and I was saying don't do it and he's like I'm gonna do it and I'm like don't do it and he like sat on me
and like put all of his pressure on me and then I woke up and I felt like heavy
like he was on top of me and so when I was meditating one time I
I felt that same sensation like I was deep into meditation and then all of us
and I was thinking about him before and all of a sudden I felt like it started
with my hands like someone was pushing my hands down and then all of a sudden like someone sat in my lap like they
were putting their weight and just like all of their weight so when I think Tom is haunting
me I it it comes in weight like heaviness so
one night I was asleep and I felt someone
get in the bed with me like start from the bottom of the bed
and I could feel like they were you know on your hands and knees
yeah like crawling into the bed and then lay down right behind me
fooned me the arm came around my side to
my stomach wow and squeezed me in
why I didn't wake up until the very end
maybe it was muscle memory muscle memory maybe it was gonna be a good dream or a
good haunting but it but all the way to the front
and then the squeeze like that pressure that weight and that's when I woke up
so was I awake or was I asleep was it a dream well I don't know I mean what's your
thoughts on uh like are you a believer in spirit being able to oh yes I I am a
believer and I love psychics and mediums and Tarot me too yeah yeah when I was I
was gonna say you'll want to listen to our episode this week I know I can't wait
and and I will say what turned me on to it really I was never a naysayer per se
but I was just like ah whatever maybe there's ghosts maybe I don't know but it was grief it was it was so so many
traumatic losses that you know getting into like the Paranormal realm watching
certain shows and I'm not into all of them but there's a few that I like yeah and mediums I was I was definitely
into before but I found that that stuff gives me so much like peace and comfort
yeah it does um and for me it does because I've had
three readings with um three different people and they have all mentioned
um one particular item okay so I mean I mean it just depends
like I do feel like there's probably half of it of what they're
saying may just be off the wall and just relevant to anyone in general right like
I feel like we can all listen to any reading like for me I'm a Scorpio but
like I feel like I can probably listen to I don't know a Leo or a Pisces and I
could relate to it in some way right but when you have
three different people reference the same exact item three different times I
mean it feels good it's just like a little bit of a yeah but they're still there yeah
yeah that's well I always take comfort in the fact that there there is something else and that when we would
die it's it's not over because and I think I I I feel sorry for people that don't
believe that because that that makes it so final I mean we have to believe I mean I don't have to
believe but I have to believe that there is something else and something you know better on the other side waiting for us
yeah definitely so yeah well
on that note we are just at the hour mark
Ellie do you have anything you would like to add or Rebecca do you have anything else you want to share
so how often do you oh wait I wanted you to talk about after that but you you go ahead I was just going to ask about your
podcast how often are you creating is it like a once a week thing once a month thing like
and and what's your day job oh it's always interested [Laughter]
well the podcast uh I release an episode once a week okay and
um my day job I work for a medical software company okay yeah so I work
from home so I sit in front of a computer that works hand in hand with the podcast
see that's good yeah definitely yeah you're going on a trip
Ellie tell us about that dude I know you told me but I think it's really cool so sure so I'm just
um I'm at a place right now where I just really want to change and um it's it's funny because I've always
wanted to be home like I've always migrated home I've always come home I've
always wanted to be here and of course I make different excuses of why I want to
be here but um now I just feel like I want to leave for
some reason like I just have this desire to leave like I feel
stuck in a box here and I just there is somewhere else out there that I
am supposed to be so I go to Arizona like two three times a year so and I've
never been out there in the winter so I'm going to Flagstaff which is up north yeah so they got like three feet
of snow right now so I'm pretty excited but um I decided that I was going to
drive because I want to see what it's like to live there like to
be there more than a week so I'm gonna be there for almost two months wow I
mean I'm not saying that's where I would move but
I want to try it no you've been to Flagstaff yes yeah I go every year okay
that's where you go I've I've been and I absolutely loved loved loved it my
sister went to school there she went to college there so when she graduated we
all went and spent time there now the most of the other parts of Arizona can
kick rocks okay [Music] Flag Staff and Sedona were just
breathtaking yes and I could totally see myself being there so I'm very happy for
you that's ugh such a cool place how long are you gonna stay there are you
I I'm gonna be in Flagstaff for almost two months oh wow um and then I'm also
gonna make a visit out to California so I'm gonna go out there visit a couple people there and then I'm gonna come
back and I'm gonna visit um uh a friend in Dallas uh possibly a
friend in San Antonio a friend in Houston well a co-worker in Houston and
then I plan on like dipping back through and I'm gonna see my cousins in
Louisiana and then I'm gonna see um a friend in Alabama and then from
Alabama me and her are going to go to Florida and we're going for a Women's
Wellness thing in Florida and then when that's over
I I should be coming directly home I have some things in May that I have to do but once I get home I'm just gonna
figure out what I'm yeah this sounds this sounds like
your Eat Pray Love yeah I I wish I could Eat Pray Love not in the United States
I dream I dream of doing that like I haven't traveled a whole lot in our
country so as much as I want to go to Europe and you know I think all all the places I haven't been here in the United
States so I think you can definitely have Eat Pray Love here just as good as
anywhere else obviously Arizona yeah yeah oh Cowboys
very into Yellowstone right now yeah Montana I've only watched like the first
three episodes um yeah I want to finish oh please do
yourself a favor Keith yeah keep watching okay and we'll live vicariously
through you and yeah dating escapades with Cowboys yes oh
okay I know someone told me they're like um you should date a man in every city
yeah like what do you guys want me to do just download the dating app and put on
the location yeah there you go that could yeah that's a podcast like Sex in the City yeah
the country there you go Widow your way across it there you go
yeah you definitely have to keep a video Vlog or you know you have to track that somehow yeah I have to figure out how to
do it this is all new to me like the social media and all the things it's all new me too trust me I'm I'm a work in
progress trying to learn how to do it all I figured out a tick tock and got so excited me too
we're yeah we're starting with that too yeah we're working it well there's a lot of portable equipment that you can bring
to record on the road and I can point in the right direction if uh
Tiffany and David can't so I'm sure David is the master of that so oh well you know I did get a a different mic
that is smaller than um the yeti that I was using but like I
mean I don't know if you have some recommendations for like in the road I don't know if I'm gonna record an
episode like on the road in my car or maybe go live I'll be right back when
I'm going live and there is a uh
do you have an Apple iPhone I do okay so there is a little microphone that actually plugs right
into your jet head for the jack is where you charge it
really okay yes I'll send you a link for it okay and I'm sure David uh and I'm
gonna cut this out I'm sure David will um can get it for you at a cheaper cost
if if not you know I'll send you a link there's a couple of them there's also
this thing called the it's made by it's made by Zune
the Pod it's um the Pod track and it's a portable it's a little portable thing
that records um but you have to plug your microphone into it it gets kind of cumbersome but I'll send you a couple different options
okay yeah yeah I know um where I'm gonna be staying I mean
I'll have my own room yeah and um so I could definitely set up like I'm gonna
take this microphone with me and um like record my episodes still there
um but yeah I'll be with my friend Nicole and she's excited she's like can I be on
your podcast she goes but I'm not a widow I'm like I don't care you don't have to be a widow
to be to be on there we can have fun and yeah so I'm excited I'll probably do some lives while driving and because I'm
gonna get bored and maybe people can talk to me like I shouldn't read messages and drive at the same time but
we might do some lives do some recordings make some reels yeah
you could document it people love to live vicarious through through other
people oh yeah yeah I've I've seen that
the amount of interest is is crazy yeah oh yeah definitely yeah we're all
voyeurs I mean that's just human nature we I think we love to just peek inside
see what everybody else is doing that's why reality TV is so popular
right yeah yeah all right well on that note
um I guess we should wrap it up Rebecca how can people find you
you can find me um on Facebook and Instagram love is not
dead just my husband and if you click on the bio it'll take you to a link and then from there you can go directly to
listening to the podcast awesome and I'm gonna put your links in the show notes as well oh thanks
welcome thank you everybody for listening the name of the podcast again is love is
not dead just my husband and I highly recommend you give it a listen you you never know what you're going to find
there and you will be surprisingly entertained even if you can't relate to
the subject matter is definitely very entertaining
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Rebecca JohnsonProfile Photo

Rebecca Johnson

Rebecca Johnson

Rebecca Johnson is the host of the podcast; Love is not dead…Just my husband. She is a widow that has survived multiple losses and living with rare cancer dedicated to encouraging widows moving forward in their grief. After realizing she was falling down a rabbit hole of grief, she was determined to find her way back to the living. In her journey, she has rediscovered who she is and found her passion and purpose in inspiring widows to widow their way.

Rebecca is an avid traveler looking forward to extending her journeys outside of the US to live as a digital nomad immersing herself in other cultures. This sad, lonely, cancerous widow is not sitting around waiting for her life to begin any longer. She will be traveling the world excited to find a new love for life in the most unexpected people and places.